Whiny Post

So, I'm just going to write a quick post about being sick so this is a bit of a whiny post.  Not only am I still recoving from the surgery, which is taken longer than expected, but now I have started to throw up.  I HATE vomitting....I don't think there is anything worse than that.  I'm sure that there is but I would rather do almost anything but that.  I'm not sure what brought it on since I don't know anyone that is sick but hopefully it is not the start of the a stomach bug in our house!!!!!

How do I go on????

I have a few friends that often question how I continue to go on and be so optimistic when I am often dealt with major health complications.  This got me to thinking about how come I can be such an optimistic person and in turn made me start realizing how many good things I have in my life.  Granted I am a very ill mommy that can't do as much as I would like, I'm often in pain and have to push through extreme fatigue just to function but I also have two wonderful children that are gentle with me and give me a reason to push through the fatigue and pain.  I am often short-tempered with my husband but I have an understanding husband that does not care if there are fur-balls on the floor and dishes left in the sink.  I often depend on my friends more than I would like and can't always reciprocate to them but I'm so thankful that I have friends who care so much for me.
If I didn't have Lupus then I may never know how truly lucky I am; I would much prefer to NOT have Lupus but it is important to look on the bright side of things, otherwise I would probably be a miserable person.  Don't get me wrong, I have my moments when I am miserable and in pity mode (you can see previous posts) but I REALLY do have a lot to be happy and optimistic about.

The guilt just gets worse

I guess you could describe me as a very proud person but because of the surgery and all of the complications that have since arisen from it, I have to really depend on other people to help me out.  I can't drive until Monday the 15th so my son is going to miss his Valentine's Day Party at school since I can't drive him in.  A great friend is picking up my daughter and bringing her to school today but there is no one in my son's class that I trust to drive him.  I've thought about just saying "screw it" and driving him but then I worry about something going wrong on the way there especially since I am still tired and sore from all of the blood loss.  I keep going back and forth about driving him, so I decided to get on here and write instead because this is when I would be driving him and this is keeping me busy.
I don't know how to even begin to thank everyone who has helped me out and I feel so guilty for depending on people.  I know that if I had a friend who needed my help I would be there in a heartbeat and not think anything of it at all, in fact I have done it, but when it comes to me; it is different.  My mom mentioned to me that I am trying to overcompensate because I feel guilty and I know that she is right but I just don't know how to stop it.
I picture all kids running around with their mommies at playgrounds and things like that and I just don't have it in me to do that.  I take them to all of these fun places but can't interact with them as much as I see other mommies doing with their children.   I just want my children to look back on their childhood and think "Wow, we had so much fun and our mom was a Mommy and not just a Mother"  I don't know if this even makes sense but it is what is going through my head right now. 

Prayers for a Friend's Little Girl

UPDATE::::She was released from the hospital on Thursday and is doing good.  Thanks for all of the thoughts and prayers!


A friend of mine's little girl is currently in the hospital with what appears to be a Viral Induced Asthma Attack.  I feel so bad for her and also for her mom.  Please keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers so that her breathing goes back to normal and she can go home.  Thank you!

So Thankful

As I sit here on the couch watching Dr. Phil, I realize how lucky and thankful I am to have such wonderful family and friends.  My parents are currently visiting and playing Chutes and Ladders with my children so that I can relax and try to recouperate.  When they aren't here keeping the kids busy, my friends are here keeping my kids company, allowing me to take naps.  Those that haven't been able to help with the kids have supplied me and my family with meals so that I don't have to worry about my children.
I'm not sure how many of them read this but I will NEVER forget their kindness and love that they have shown me.  There is no way that I could do this without them.  I am so blessed to have them all in my life and I don't know how I will ever be able to repay them but I hope they will one day know how much I treasure their friendship and love.

Why does my body continue to betray me?

I'm so upset right now and need to get this out in the hopes that it will ease my mind a bit.  I'm 33 years old but feel like I am stuck in the body of a 60 year old.  I have lupus which has destroyed my body between the actual disease and the meds hoping to keep me healthy.  I have a heart murmur, hiatal hernia and hemroids, along with just having my bladder put back up into my boday.  The only health thing that makes me feel like I am my age is having my tubes tied on Monday but even that is due to this stupid disease.
While meeting with the surgeon, she told me that after doing this very routine surgery over a 1000 times she has never seen anyone hemorrage as much as I did.  Thanks body...just what I needed.  Now to top it all off, I had to go back to the hospital again last night.  I thought I had the stomach flu that has been going around but called my surgeon to let her know and she wanted me to go to the ER to make sure all was OK.  While at the ER, they discovered that I don't have the stomach flu but some oppurtunistic infection that is usually seen in older patients and in nursing homes.  I guess because of the surgery and my immune system being compromised the bacteria decided I would be a great host...once again my body couldn't do anything about it.  I'm now on heavy duty antibiotics to try and get rid of it.
I'm married to a wonderful, energetic, loving 33 year old man who should have a wife that matches him and instead he is stuck with a woman that is basically an old lady.  I know that my life and health could be much worse but I feel so betrayed by my body.  Why can't it fight to let me go through a routine surgery without complications?  Is it going to let me live a full long life or is it going to betray me again before I'm ready?   Please body, figure this out and let me go back to living my life the way that I want to!!!!

Comedy of Errors

Well, I survived the surgery and am back home but it was a comedy of errors and basically everything that could go wrong did.  Fortunately, most of it was easily fixed and dealt with.
It all started on the Saturday before my surgery when my son woke up with vomitting and diahrea...fortunately, I figured he would be OK but wasn't sure about the rest of the family come Monday when I was due to have my surgery.  Myself and my husband were both very anxious and so was my daughter even though she didn't have the words to express herself.
Monday came and I felt OK, my son and daughter felt good, but my husband had the stomach virus now.  We dropped the kids off with some friends and headed to the hosptial.  I was taken into surgery about an hour earlier than I was scheduled, which was great since my husband spent the next 4 hours curled up on the hospital bathroom floor vomitting while I was in surgery.  Unbeknownst to me, my surgery was supposed to last 2 hours but due to severe hemoraghing it last 4 hours.  During that time, my poor husband had no clue what was going on and the surgeon couldn't tell him anything since she didn't know whether I was going to make it or not.  Combine this added stress and a stomach virus and you have one sick husband.
When he finally got to see me in recovery, I'm not sure who looked worse, him or I.  Once they had me stabilized and admitted to my room, he left to go get our son and daughter.  On the ride home, our daughter vomitted all over herself, her carseat and the inside of our car; which in turn caused my husband to vomit also.  The poor man was so beside himself with worry and sickness that it must have been so miserable and I was probably the best off in my drug-induced sleep.
Fortunately, everyone is recovering but now I have the stomach bog which is not fun after having abdomen surgery.  Let's just say if anything could go wrong, it did and even my surgeon said that I should NEVER undergo surgery again due to all of the tissue damage I have thanks to my long-term steroid use.