Breaking my heart

My 6 year old daughter brought home a home made book yesterday from kindergarten about feelings and there were two pages that absolutely tore my heart out; one in a good way and one in a bad way.  The first was that she felt loved when mommy gave her kisses.  That melted my heart...I loved that one.  The second was that she felt said when mommy had to go to the hospital.  That tore my heart out because what 6 year old should even have to be faced with the proposition of their mother needing to go to the hospital on a regular basis.  Sure there are mothers that need to go, but why do I need to be one of them?
Then it got me to thinking that at least it will hopefully teach my daughter empathy and patience with others along with a sense of caring for those that may be sick.  Hopefully it will teach her that not everyone is as fortunate as she is and that she should cherish each day.
I guess that I am trying to look on the positive side of this because if I don't, I may just cry!

When to call it quits

I started working about 2 months ago and since then my health has gone downhill and the stress on my family seems to have escalated.  My husband works a very demanding job in Manhattan and is gone 7am-7pm so I am the main caregiver of the 2 kids and now I work part-time Monday, Wednesday and Fridays 9:30-4:30.  This doesn't seem like many hours but it does seem to be taking a toll on both myself and my family.  Our weekends, which used to be nice and relaxing, are now spent running around like chickens with our heads cut off and I spend every evening falling asleep on the couch by 8pm, barely spending anytime with my husband.
I'm not working for the money, as I'm not making much, but I do love the job and am enjoying being "me" instead of just mommy and wife however I don't know if the toll is too much.   How do I know when enough is enough?  How do I know how to make the decision?
My plan for now is to give it another month or 6 weeks and if things don't improve then I may need to call it a day and quit.  I'm not a quitter but I'm not sure what other options I may have.

Holistic Nutritionist

I just had to share that I finally made it to my holistic nutritionist appointment today and it was amazing.  She gave me a whole new leash on life and I can't wait to see how it goes.  I've been to nutritionists before and they always give such a strict diet that it is near to impossible to follow where this was done more to determine which of my systems were out of whack and how to get me off of my diet soda.  She went over all of my medications, what I hoped to get out of the appointment and also did some "electrical work" with my hands.  While doing the work with my hands she said things about me that I have no idea how she knew.  I swear she was psychic.  It was absolutely amazing.  I currently take 7-8 anti-depressants and we are going to try and wean me off of these medications over the next few weeks by using all natural approaches since I am still depressed even on the medications.  I feel like I have a whole new lease on life and am so excited to start this process.  I will keep everyone updated as I go along.

Never so excited to have an infection

I saw my doctor yesterday and after looking at the bloodwork which showed elevated white cell counts and feeling swollen lymph nodes throughout my body, he determined that I have a systemic infection which is what is causing my shortness of breath.  It doesn't explain some of the other problems but it definitely explains the shortness of breath so I'm very excited about that.  I almost kissed him when he told me.  They immediately put me on antibiotics and told me to continue my inhaler.  Hopefully this will be the turn around that I need.

I give up!!!!

I'm not really giving up but I really would like to!!!!  I spent 8 hours yesterday in the ER because I woke up feeling short of breath and it just got worse as the day wore on.  I assumed it was from the infusion the day before but they said no and that I should call my doctor, so I did.  She was concerned and said to go to the ER.  It ended up being either a viral infection or bronchospasms but whatever it is, the breathing treatments worked so I was able to come home with inhalers.
I feel so bad because my husband had to take time off to drive me there and then we had to get a babysitter for the kids so that he could come back and sit with me for a bit and bring me home.

I just want to curl up in a ball and hibernate and let my body heal.  I feel like that is what it needs to do but with 2 children, a husband and a part-time job, that truly is not an option ;)

Wow, it has been a long time!!!

I am so sorry that it has been such a long time since I last updated but things have not been going so well and I have just been doing what I can to survive.  Long story short, I've been dealing with pleurisy and pericarditis since September and around Christmas it got so severe that I was in and out of the hospital 5 times in one week.  They finally got it under control with high doses of prednisone and an increase in my CellCept....that was until about a week ago when I started with chest pains again.  They immediately increased my prednisone back up to 60mg in hopes that would work; it didn't.  I also developed extreme hair loss, severe pain and fatigue so bad that I can hardly function.  Because of this, I went into the hospital for an IV infusion yesterday in the hopes that it will shock my system back into a normal state.  So far today I feel like crap!!!!!!!!!
I've had to get a wig because my hair is coming out in handfuls and I am so uncomfortable being out in public like that.  I'm still trying to take care of the kids and maintain normalcy for them.  I'm also trying to continue to work my part-time job but am beginning to think that may have to go and that I may need to look into disability....
I feel so much like a failure as a wife, mother, friend and employee because I can't do any of them right now as well as I should be.  I'm so mad at my body for betraying me and my family.  I have been in the biggest funk for so long and know that I need to get out of it but just don't know how.  I really hope this infusion works.
If you have read all of my rantings, then thank you as it really helped to get it off my chest.

What am I Thinking?

I really have no idea what I was thinking but I went out and got a part time job.  What am I nuts?  I'm working 10-5 on Monday, Wednesday and Fridays doing database programming like I used to do prior to having my children.  I was so excited about the job but now that my first day of work is tomorrow, I'm scared out of my mind.  Both of my children are in school on those three days so I will only be missing about 2.5 hours with them on those days when they will be in aftercare, which they love, but I am an absolute mess.  I have spent the last 3 days crying on and off about missing my "babies".  They have gone to aftercare this whole past week just to see how they would do and how they would like it and they absolutely loved it; everytime I showed up to pick them up they asked if they could stay later but I'm the one suffering.
I'm torn between wanting to do something for me and also between trying to manage being mommy, wife and a person with a disease.  I know that mentally going back to work for me is going to be a very good thing especially since it is only 21 hours per week but physically, I'm very afraid of what it is going to do to me and if I will be able to handle everything.  2 months ago it seemed like such a good idea to start looking for a job but I never thought one would come along so fast that had everything that I was looking for but now that the day is here, I am so scared.
I guess only time will tell if I will be able to handle everything but I sure wish that I had a magic crystal ball that I could see into the future with; it would make decisions like this so much easier sometimes.