What am I Thinking?

I really have no idea what I was thinking but I went out and got a part time job.  What am I nuts?  I'm working 10-5 on Monday, Wednesday and Fridays doing database programming like I used to do prior to having my children.  I was so excited about the job but now that my first day of work is tomorrow, I'm scared out of my mind.  Both of my children are in school on those three days so I will only be missing about 2.5 hours with them on those days when they will be in aftercare, which they love, but I am an absolute mess.  I have spent the last 3 days crying on and off about missing my "babies".  They have gone to aftercare this whole past week just to see how they would do and how they would like it and they absolutely loved it; everytime I showed up to pick them up they asked if they could stay later but I'm the one suffering.
I'm torn between wanting to do something for me and also between trying to manage being mommy, wife and a person with a disease.  I know that mentally going back to work for me is going to be a very good thing especially since it is only 21 hours per week but physically, I'm very afraid of what it is going to do to me and if I will be able to handle everything.  2 months ago it seemed like such a good idea to start looking for a job but I never thought one would come along so fast that had everything that I was looking for but now that the day is here, I am so scared.
I guess only time will tell if I will be able to handle everything but I sure wish that I had a magic crystal ball that I could see into the future with; it would make decisions like this so much easier sometimes.

So Thankful

I can't believe that Thanksgiving is tomorrow, how time has flow by?!  I am so very thankful for everything that I have in my life.  Even though I have Lupus, I am relatively healthy and could be so much worse off.  My husband is healthy and most importantly my children are both healthy.  Tomorrow is a day of reflection for everything that is good in our life and I thank God for all that I have been given, both good and bad.  The bad has always made me a stronger person so I am even thankful for that.

Happy Thanksgiving to Everyone.  Enjoy the day.

Shouldn't I be more empathetic?

Everyone thinks that I should be so empathetic because I live with pain on a daily basis and that I completely understand what everyone is going through when they are in pain.  Let me preface by saying that I truly don't mind listening to people complain when they don't feel well or have a legitimate complaint but please don't complain to me about a problem when it just suits you.
I know of a person who is ill, this person has every right to complain, but only complains when it suits her. She can travel for 3 hours in one day when it is something that she wants to do but when it is something that a friend asks her to do; it is just too much for her.  I just despise when people use their illnesses to benefit themselves and to use it as a crutch.  To me it is the same thing as using a handicap plate when you don't need to use it but just want a closer parking space.  I truly hope that I never get to the point where people feel that I use my illness as a crutch and if I do, please tell me.
I feel bad that I am not more empathetic towards this person but when I see her being so selfish it is so hard for me.  I truly do feel bad for her that she does have to live in pain but I just wish she would be honest with herself and everyone else and say that she just doesn't want to do it; don't blame it on an illness because one day it may become reality.

Living Life in Pain

It can often be so hard to take care of the kids and my husband while living my life in pain.  For the past 2+ months I have been feeling the pain from my Lupus lessen thanks to a wonderful doctor and new medication but I have been dealing with this other pain that has been increasing.  I think it is muscular but today it has finally reached the maximum that I can deal with and I will need to call my primary care doctor tomorrow.  However, it is making it very difficult to take care of the daily routines of the kids.  I hate living in pain but feel like I will be destined to live in pain whether it is due to Lupus pain or something else.

Sorry that I have been gone for so long

I need to apologize to everyone for being out of touch for the past month.  I was in a cast on my hand which made it nearly impossible for me to type so I wasn't able to keep the blog updated but now the cast is off so I hope to keep it updated once again.
My life has been changing pretty rapidly over the past month since I have been unable to type.  My special group of friends and my immediate family raised close to $2000 for the Lupus Alliance of Long Island/Queens Walk Along for Lupus and I am so greatful for everyone for the donation and support.

I also got a part time job which I start today.  It is the ideal mother's hours.  My daughter goes to school full-time but my son goes Monday, Wednesday and Fridays 9:30-2:30 so my job is MWF 10-2.  I'm very excited to have some of my own independency and some of my own money.

Again,  I apologize for being out of touch for so long but promise it will be better now that I am out of my cast.  Hope everyone else is doing well and I look forward to chatting again.

Making up for lost times

I think my guilt over my illness has gotten the better of me as I seriously think I may have overextended myself with activities for my children.  As you all know, I have a 5 & 6 year old and one is in kindergarten and the other is in pre-K.  There isn't a lot going on with my son yet aside from his football practices which are twice a week and then games on Saturday.  However, my daughter really wants to do Daisies (Girl Scouts) and the only way that she can do it is if I volunteer to be the troop leader.  I spoke to them on Saturday and they basically said that she would be waitlisted but not to hold my breath.  So, now in addition to being Team Mom for Cheerleading, Class Mom for school and on the PTA, I am going to be a troop leader for my daughter's Daisy Troop.  I know that I will probably be just as active with my son when he gets into school also.
I really hope that I am not overextending myself but I also am beginning to realize that these are things that I can do even though I am sick.  Most of the work involves emails, phone calls and that sort of thing which I can do while laying on the couch and resting.  I also haven't seen her so excited to have mommy doing these things with her in a long time.  My husband is concerned that I am doing to much and maybe I am but to see the joy on my kids' faces makes up for my fears.

Nutrisystem and weight loss

Well, after complaining about my weight and being in a pity party for the past few weeks, I decided to do something about it.  I joined Nutrisystem and am starting it today.  Even though I may not loose a lot of weight quickly due to being on the prednisone but at least I am feeling like I am doing something about it.  I will keep you all updated but I am very proud of myself for trying to retake charge of my life.  Lupus can take control completely away from you and that frustrates me so much that I feel like maybe if I can take partial control back then I will be in a much better place.