Please keep my dad in your prayers

I am now at my parents' house as my father suffered a massive heart attack last night.  My mother called me this morning to let me know and we came up here as soon as we found out.  I just got back from visiting him and he is doing better but it is so tough to see my daddy looking so tired.  He is in the ICU but they plan to move him down tomorrow and hopefully he will be discharged in a few days.  He exercises and eats right so it is just one of those fluke things.  It came as such a huge shock to all of us because he is so healthy but it is his good health that also kept him alive and will allow him to heal.

Live each day to the fullest as you never know when today could be your last and love like today is your last!!!!!

Going Out Tonight

I can't believe it but I finally feel well enough to go out with my husband tonight.  I'm nervous because I'm meeting a bunch of his friends from work which I have never met before but I'm also excited.  We are heading into New York City so it should be a good night but I've got these irrational fears that make no sense.  Since I'm on high doses of prednisone, I've got the lovely moon face so I'm very self-conscience of that and even though I'm watching my eating and joined the gym there is nothing I can do about my "round" face.  Then I wear a wig because I have lost most of my hair due to the Lupus so I worry that they will either notice it is a wig or it will fall off or something.  I know that these are completely irrational but since it has been so long since I have been out with "new" people that I'm a nervous wreck.  I'm super excited but also super nervous.

I joined a gym!

I'm so excited and I just had to share that I went and joined a gym this evening.  My doctor told me that it would be a good idea to start exercising and that scared the crap out of me because in the past everytime I have tried to exercise, it has resulted in a major flare and I told her that.  She told me to join a gym and get a trainer that can help design a plan for me and just take it slow.  About five minutes down the road, a new gym is just opening tomorrow and I decided to join.  It is a bit on the pricey side but the trainers are certified and are used to dealing with disability and arthitis.  The biggest thing though was that the gym has a pool which none of the other "cheaper" gyms have around here.  Water aerobics is the best thing for me and my joints so I'm super excited about it.  I do feel a little guilty though as we are trying to watch our spending and we have a "gym" in our basement but I feel like I need the "push" of a trainer and the gym to really get me going.

Besides, I need to loose some of my prednisone weight before boating season starts in another few months ;)

Feeling good?

I woke up this morning feeling better then I have in weeks...I don't know what to do with myself!!!!  I actually am not hurting.  I feel like I should take advantage of feeling good and do a bunch of stuff but I just want to revel in feeling well and not push it.  I'm so excited and hope this is the beginning of feeling good for good!!!

I did it

I spoke to my boss yesterday about my hours.  I woke up yesterday absolutely drop dead exhausted and in near tears at the thought of going into work.  The idea of work isn't the problem, it is the 45 minute one way commute that puts me in tears and then the sitting in a desk chair all day that makes me stiffen up.
I had a meeting scheduled with him to discuss future projects with him so I figured discussing my options was something I needed to do also so before the poor guy had a chance to say anything I blurted out that I needed to talk to him about my hours.  I've only been at this company for 2 months so they could have easily said "Tough, you need to work the hours you agreed on or quit" but instead he breathed a sigh of relief and told me he could care less where I worked from.  He said he doesn't need me in the office to do my job and knows that I will do my job so if I want to work Fridays from home then that is fine with him.  I was so relieved.  From now on I am going to work Monday and Wednesdays from the office and Fridays from home.  I will continue to put in a few hours from home on Tuesdays and in the evenings but the Fridays are going to be a huge help.
I was so proud of myself for speaking up as it was a huge weight on my shoulders and it was difficult because it was once again admitting that this stupid disease was affecting my life but he made it so much easier for me.
Thanks to all of the bosses out there that understand that work is not the end all be all in life!!!!  I just wish more people understood this.

Breaking my heart

My 6 year old daughter brought home a home made book yesterday from kindergarten about feelings and there were two pages that absolutely tore my heart out; one in a good way and one in a bad way.  The first was that she felt loved when mommy gave her kisses.  That melted my heart...I loved that one.  The second was that she felt said when mommy had to go to the hospital.  That tore my heart out because what 6 year old should even have to be faced with the proposition of their mother needing to go to the hospital on a regular basis.  Sure there are mothers that need to go, but why do I need to be one of them?
Then it got me to thinking that at least it will hopefully teach my daughter empathy and patience with others along with a sense of caring for those that may be sick.  Hopefully it will teach her that not everyone is as fortunate as she is and that she should cherish each day.
I guess that I am trying to look on the positive side of this because if I don't, I may just cry!

When to call it quits

I started working about 2 months ago and since then my health has gone downhill and the stress on my family seems to have escalated.  My husband works a very demanding job in Manhattan and is gone 7am-7pm so I am the main caregiver of the 2 kids and now I work part-time Monday, Wednesday and Fridays 9:30-4:30.  This doesn't seem like many hours but it does seem to be taking a toll on both myself and my family.  Our weekends, which used to be nice and relaxing, are now spent running around like chickens with our heads cut off and I spend every evening falling asleep on the couch by 8pm, barely spending anytime with my husband.
I'm not working for the money, as I'm not making much, but I do love the job and am enjoying being "me" instead of just mommy and wife however I don't know if the toll is too much.   How do I know when enough is enough?  How do I know how to make the decision?
My plan for now is to give it another month or 6 weeks and if things don't improve then I may need to call it a day and quit.  I'm not a quitter but I'm not sure what other options I may have.