Sunday, January 31, 2010

Tomorrow's the day

Tomorrow is the day of my surgery so I probably will be off the computer for at least a few days so wanted to let everyone know.  I can't believe it is finally here.  Everyone keeps asking me if I am scared or nervous and I definitely am not scared for the actual surgery but I'm scared of how it will affect the kids.  I'm scared that the recovery will take too long but I guess I am most scared that something will go wrong and I'll have to stay in the hospital longer than expected. 
My husband just started a new job last week and can only take M-W off and I am only supposed to be in the hospital Tuesday so that would be fine but if for some reason I need to stay an extra night then that may mess up his whole work situation.  I also know that my kids can handle one night away from me but the two nights would be much tougher on all of us. 
For those of you reading this, if you could keep my family in your thoughts and prayers I would greatly appreciate.  The most important thing is that my children are OK with everything and that the surgery/recovery goes quickly.  Thank you all very much.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


Well, as of yesterday, I have received clearance for my surgery on February 1st.  I am very anxious about it but also glad to be done with it and to move on with my life.  The recovery is going to take at least 3 months which puts me to the beginning of May but at least I will have the summer to play with the kids.  I feel bad because I will be out of commission for awhile but I've got playdates all lined up for the kids and also have a great support system so hopefully it won't be too bad for them.  Once again the guilt comes into play but as mommies we always feel guilt!
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers that the surgery goes well and that my recovery is not as long as expected.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

You have got to be kidding me

I'm supposed to have bladder surgery on February 1st and have gotten everything prepared for my children and husband.  I've got friends to watch them while I am in the hospital, my husband has taken time off of work, my parents are coming out to help and I think I am finally mentally prepared for it.  At this point, I just want to get it over with and move on with my life.  Unfortunately, I injured my thumb 2 weeks ago and am in a soft cast and when I went to see my surgeon she said we may need to postpone the surgery.  I don't understand what a thumb has to do with my bladder.  I need to see my ortho on Tuesday to get clearance for the surgery and if he won't clear me than the surgery is postponed.  When I spoke to his nurse she was also confused why my thumb would have anything to do with my bladder but....
Please, let me get clearance from him.  I'm so ready to have this over with and move on with the recovery of my body.  My children have been told and I don't want it hanging over their heads' any longer; they are stressed already.  I think I may have to beg the orthopedist if he won't give me clearance.  I know everything happens for a reason but I'm getting cranky with the idea of postpoining this surgery.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Preparing kids for my hospital stay

I'm going to be having surgery in a little over a week and it is going to entail at least one night in the hospital.  Both kids are concerned, with my daughter being more concerned, so I'm trying to prepare them as much as I can.  I'm going to list what I am doing but would love some suggestions to help them
1. Got books from the library to help them
2. Going to make something for easch of them to have while I am in the hospital...most likely a pillow or blanket.
3. Have them staying with friends during the day of a day after but going home with daddy at night.
4.  Keeping school schedule going as much as possible.
5. Talking freely with them when they ask question.

Any other suggestions?

Saturday, January 16, 2010

My poor baby girl

Even though I can hardly type, I needed to come on here and write aout the guilt that my poor little girl is dealing with and how I dont know how to handle it.  I've been in a cast since Tuesday and on Friday had to go into the hospital for a simple gi procedure.  I didnt make a big deal of either things and the kids just knew that they were dropping me off and picking me up 3 hours later.  I thought everything was fine...that was until today.
I was coloring with my 5 year old when all of a sudden she got very cuddly and asked if she was being a good girl today.  I told her yes and that i loved her.  She then asked me if she kept being a good girl would it make it so i wasnt sick anymore.  I gave her the biggest hug and told her that she had nothing to do with mommy's sickness, that it was due to the Lupus.  She said OK but it was obvious that it was still on her mind.  She asked if she rubbed my arm, would it help, she asked if hugs would help.  I said yes, that all would help but that none of it was her fault.  I really dont know how to deal with her concerns.
We did a mommy-daughter manicure/pedicure today and talked about a lot of things but I know that she still doesnt believe that it isnt her fault.  I really dont know what to do and it is breaking my heart.  I wish I could take all of her fears away but she is so sensitive and so intuitive that she can read me like a book.
I will be having inpatient surgery on Feb 1st and spending the night in the hospital and I am really concerned how she will handle it.  I love her so much and this stupid disease is hurting her.  I can handle it hurting me but not my children.  I am so mad right now. 
Please help me to figure out a way to ease her fears.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Will not be posting for a few days

HI all,
  Due to a full cast on my left thumb, I wont be able post until at least Monday the 18th.  I just wanted to let you all know.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Kids Remember EVERYTHING

As I was driving today, my son said "Mommy, make sure you stop and don't crash into the car again."  I had a minor fender bender about 2 months ago and they remember that but never remember the good things that we do for them.  It got me thinking to what I was like as a child and how many times I have reminded my mom about me walking around with a broken finger because she didn't think I was injured.  Oops, she was human and made a mistake but how often do I remind her of how safe and loved I felt by her?  Never!
I think as children it is just ingrained in us to expect unconditional love from our moms and when we get that love we take it for granted and the negatives stand out to us children since we are selfish by nature.  As I thought more about it I realized that the more our children pick on our negatives, the safer and more loved they feel by us since they don't need to worry about being loved unconditionally.  So, I guess I should be honored, along with all moms, when my children constantly remember the times that I do something wrong;)

Thursday, January 7, 2010

What do people REALLY think?

As I sit here preparing for a GI procedure in a week and a surgery in about 3 weeks I wonder what people really think.  I know that I have legitimate problems, such as lupus and that doctors don't perform surgery just for the sake of it but sometimes I feel like such a hypochondriac.  I know that I shouldn't worry about what people think but how many times can I go through medical problems and still be able to depend on my friends.  It just doesn't seem fair to them and I know that if I was them I would start to tune me out...I even tune myself out.   I really don't want all of these problems and try to downplay them as much as possible but after awhile it seems like an attention getting behavior, which I swear it isn't.  Sometimes I just want to burrow down into bed and stay there until everything gets better.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Why can't I be the fun parent?

I often watch how excited my children get when they get to play with my husband.  He is the fun parent while I am the everyday parent.  They don't get to see him all that often as he works long hours and I am home full-time with them but it still hurts my feelings sometimes.  We go out to eat and they want to sit next to him, on the weekends all they want to do is play with daddy and I often feel like chopped liver.  He will rough house with them while they say they can't rough house with mommy because we have to be careful of mommy.  I try to tickle them and rough house with them but end up covered in bruises and they get tired of me saying, "Ouch, be careful".

During the week, I take them to fun places and we meet with friends usually about 3-4 days out of the 5 day week but they seem to need more from me and I just can't give it to them.  It breaks my heart but I'm not sure exactly how to give them what they need.  One of the meds that I take is for extra energy but it doesn't seem to help enough to keep up with a 4 & 5 year old.

I probably overcompensate by taking them all of these places and they have come to accept it but am I just "buying their love" because I can't play as often I like and they like.  They seem like well-adjusted children but I worry that they are missing something.  Are they going to look back on their childhood and just remember good times with daddy? I give it everything I have but it just doesn't seem like it is enough.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Year

I've really missed posting over the last 10 days or so but things have been so crazy with the holidays.  We had a great time and got to spend time with family after the holiday so that was wonderful but I'm ready for the New Year to come.  A friend asked what our goals/resolutions are for 2010 and I have some goals that I would like to achieve but so much revolves around my health that it is tough for me to make them.  My biggest goal is to try and stay healthy and if I can do that then everything else will fall into place.  I am going to stay as positive as I can because that will help me to stay as healthy as I can.

I wish you all a very happy new year and may you all be blessed with health, happiness and love of family and friends.