Friday, February 26, 2010

Snow Day

Today, we got another snowstorm and are stranded in the house for yet another day.  I'm still recovering from the surgery so trying to find some fun things to do with a 4 & 5 year old can sometimes be difficult.  However, today, I think we had a pretty creative day and thought I would share what we did so that if there are any other home-bound days we can still have fun.

1.  Sent the kids out in the snow in the backyard and watched them sled down a very very small hill from the warm comforts of my kitchen.
2.  I had picked up some little statues from Michael's so we spent about an hour painting them today
3.  A nice warm bath with toys that we hardly ever play with
4.  A family movie, cuddle time
5.  Playing Wii
6.  Coloring
7.  Playing with toys that had been stowed away for days just like this
8.  Putting on a puppet show

Considering the kids were up at 5:30am and it is now almost 5:00pm and they have only watched a few hours of TV, I feel like today was a success...but, man, am I tired!!!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Kindergarten Registration

I can't believe that I am going to register my little girl for Kindergarten today.  It seems like only yesterday I found out that I was pregnant with her and praying that she would survive the pregnancy and now I am registering her to go to school.  Where has the time gone?  5 years have flown by in the blink of an eye and it seems like I can hardly remember any of it.  She is a happy, adjusted child that is caring, sensitive and loving so I guess somewhere along the 5 years, we did a good job.  Part of me is looking forward to having some time to myself to rest but part of me wants her to stay with me.  I know it will be good for both of us to have some time apart and the rest will allow me to rejuvenate and have more energy for both of my children but it still makes me sad.  L, on the other hand, is super excited for big-girl school; which is the way it should be.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Mind over matter

I was talking to a friend yesterday about mind over matter and how sometimes the placebo effect can really help with certain things.   I truly believe it can.  I ordered some essential oils to see if they can help me with the unending fatigue and depresseion of living with a chronic disease and I'm not sure if they are going to work or not but figure they can't hurt (did get a doctor's approval).  Even if they work due to me thinking they work, that  is fine with me. 
All of this positive thinking has gotten me into a great mood today.  I got up, showered, did my hair and makeup and it is amazing how doing these little things can help your mood and in turn your physical body.  Granted, I'm still exhausted and in pain but my emotional well being is better.  I have an apt today with my surgeon and I'm determined that it will go well and I just hope that my optimistic bubble will not be burst today.
Please.... Let me just have one day full of good things;)

Monday, February 22, 2010

Sometimes Lupus isn't that bad....

My daughter noticed that I wasn't feeling great today and she came up to me and said "Mommy please let me give you a massage and help you feel better".  I proceeded to lean down and let her massage my head for me and I have to be honest, it really felt better afterwards.  The look on her face of pure satisfaction that just rubbing my head made me feel better was priceless.  I'm not sure what it was but it definitely took the pain away for a bit and it made me smile to see the kindness in her eyes.  Sometimes, I am grateful for my illness as it gives me a deeper insight into the true kindness of people, including my children.  My children may not know this empathy if it wasn't for my lupus so for that I should be thankful as in the long run it will make them compassionate, caring, kind adults.

Sunday, February 21, 2010


I'm so excited!!!!!  I must be feeling better because I just booked a trip for my husband and I to St. Lucia for August.  I do feel bad going without the kids but feel that my husband and I need this time to reconnect.  C and I have been through so much over the past few years between him switching jobs recently and all of my health problems that we have really lost touch with each other.  We still love each other very much but have turned into roommates so hopefully a week trip to St. Lucia will help us.  I know that we need this for us to help us "survivive" but I can't believe we are leaving the kids for a whole week.  They will be in great hands with my parents but can't believe we are doing it.  I'm very excited but also very nervous to leave them for so long.  However, I've learned that I give all that I have to my children and often C gets forgotten along with myself so this will be a much needed reconnection. Don't they always say that a Happy Mommy makes for a happy house;)

Saturday, February 20, 2010

What to do when sleep just won't come?

It is now 2:59am and I can not sleep to save my life right now.  I'm cuddled up on the couch with my dog and the Winter Olympics and getting so annoyed with everything because I can't sleep.  I can hardly keep my eyes open but as soon as they close my mind starts working and prevents me from drifting off into sleep.  So, instead of getting annoyed I thought I would make a list of things that usually help me to fall asleep that I have tried tonight that are not working.
1.  Just getting into bed---no way that was going to work today
2.  Cuddling with my dog---doing that but sleep is still not coming
3.  Reading a book---tried that and after an hour I just got a head ache
4.  Watching a little tv---not working yet
5.  Watching the TV show Dexter---for some reason no matter what this always puts me to sleep but it didn't work this time

At this point, my son is going to be up in 2 hours so not sure what else I should try to do.  If I run a bath, which I know would help, I think it would wake my son up since he is such a light sleeper.  Warm milk just makes me gag and I'd love to take a Tylenol PM or something like that but because of my liver damage I'm not allowed to.  Ugh, I have no clue how insomniacs do it. 
This just sucks and my heart goes out to insomniacs all over the world.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Whiny Post

So, I'm just going to write a quick post about being sick so this is a bit of a whiny post.  Not only am I still recoving from the surgery, which is taken longer than expected, but now I have started to throw up.  I HATE vomitting....I don't think there is anything worse than that.  I'm sure that there is but I would rather do almost anything but that.  I'm not sure what brought it on since I don't know anyone that is sick but hopefully it is not the start of the a stomach bug in our house!!!!!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

How do I go on????

I have a few friends that often question how I continue to go on and be so optimistic when I am often dealt with major health complications.  This got me to thinking about how come I can be such an optimistic person and in turn made me start realizing how many good things I have in my life.  Granted I am a very ill mommy that can't do as much as I would like, I'm often in pain and have to push through extreme fatigue just to function but I also have two wonderful children that are gentle with me and give me a reason to push through the fatigue and pain.  I am often short-tempered with my husband but I have an understanding husband that does not care if there are fur-balls on the floor and dishes left in the sink.  I often depend on my friends more than I would like and can't always reciprocate to them but I'm so thankful that I have friends who care so much for me.
If I didn't have Lupus then I may never know how truly lucky I am; I would much prefer to NOT have Lupus but it is important to look on the bright side of things, otherwise I would probably be a miserable person.  Don't get me wrong, I have my moments when I am miserable and in pity mode (you can see previous posts) but I REALLY do have a lot to be happy and optimistic about.

Friday, February 12, 2010

The guilt just gets worse

I guess you could describe me as a very proud person but because of the surgery and all of the complications that have since arisen from it, I have to really depend on other people to help me out.  I can't drive until Monday the 15th so my son is going to miss his Valentine's Day Party at school since I can't drive him in.  A great friend is picking up my daughter and bringing her to school today but there is no one in my son's class that I trust to drive him.  I've thought about just saying "screw it" and driving him but then I worry about something going wrong on the way there especially since I am still tired and sore from all of the blood loss.  I keep going back and forth about driving him, so I decided to get on here and write instead because this is when I would be driving him and this is keeping me busy.
I don't know how to even begin to thank everyone who has helped me out and I feel so guilty for depending on people.  I know that if I had a friend who needed my help I would be there in a heartbeat and not think anything of it at all, in fact I have done it, but when it comes to me; it is different.  My mom mentioned to me that I am trying to overcompensate because I feel guilty and I know that she is right but I just don't know how to stop it.
I picture all kids running around with their mommies at playgrounds and things like that and I just don't have it in me to do that.  I take them to all of these fun places but can't interact with them as much as I see other mommies doing with their children.   I just want my children to look back on their childhood and think "Wow, we had so much fun and our mom was a Mommy and not just a Mother"  I don't know if this even makes sense but it is what is going through my head right now. 

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Prayers for a Friend's Little Girl

UPDATE::::She was released from the hospital on Thursday and is doing good.  Thanks for all of the thoughts and prayers!

A friend of mine's little girl is currently in the hospital with what appears to be a Viral Induced Asthma Attack.  I feel so bad for her and also for her mom.  Please keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers so that her breathing goes back to normal and she can go home.  Thank you!

Monday, February 8, 2010

So Thankful

As I sit here on the couch watching Dr. Phil, I realize how lucky and thankful I am to have such wonderful family and friends.  My parents are currently visiting and playing Chutes and Ladders with my children so that I can relax and try to recouperate.  When they aren't here keeping the kids busy, my friends are here keeping my kids company, allowing me to take naps.  Those that haven't been able to help with the kids have supplied me and my family with meals so that I don't have to worry about my children.
I'm not sure how many of them read this but I will NEVER forget their kindness and love that they have shown me.  There is no way that I could do this without them.  I am so blessed to have them all in my life and I don't know how I will ever be able to repay them but I hope they will one day know how much I treasure their friendship and love.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Why does my body continue to betray me?

I'm so upset right now and need to get this out in the hopes that it will ease my mind a bit.  I'm 33 years old but feel like I am stuck in the body of a 60 year old.  I have lupus which has destroyed my body between the actual disease and the meds hoping to keep me healthy.  I have a heart murmur, hiatal hernia and hemroids, along with just having my bladder put back up into my boday.  The only health thing that makes me feel like I am my age is having my tubes tied on Monday but even that is due to this stupid disease.
While meeting with the surgeon, she told me that after doing this very routine surgery over a 1000 times she has never seen anyone hemorrage as much as I did.  Thanks body...just what I needed.  Now to top it all off, I had to go back to the hospital again last night.  I thought I had the stomach flu that has been going around but called my surgeon to let her know and she wanted me to go to the ER to make sure all was OK.  While at the ER, they discovered that I don't have the stomach flu but some oppurtunistic infection that is usually seen in older patients and in nursing homes.  I guess because of the surgery and my immune system being compromised the bacteria decided I would be a great host...once again my body couldn't do anything about it.  I'm now on heavy duty antibiotics to try and get rid of it.
I'm married to a wonderful, energetic, loving 33 year old man who should have a wife that matches him and instead he is stuck with a woman that is basically an old lady.  I know that my life and health could be much worse but I feel so betrayed by my body.  Why can't it fight to let me go through a routine surgery without complications?  Is it going to let me live a full long life or is it going to betray me again before I'm ready?   Please body, figure this out and let me go back to living my life the way that I want to!!!!

Friday, February 5, 2010

Comedy of Errors

Well, I survived the surgery and am back home but it was a comedy of errors and basically everything that could go wrong did.  Fortunately, most of it was easily fixed and dealt with.
It all started on the Saturday before my surgery when my son woke up with vomitting and diahrea...fortunately, I figured he would be OK but wasn't sure about the rest of the family come Monday when I was due to have my surgery.  Myself and my husband were both very anxious and so was my daughter even though she didn't have the words to express herself.
Monday came and I felt OK, my son and daughter felt good, but my husband had the stomach virus now.  We dropped the kids off with some friends and headed to the hosptial.  I was taken into surgery about an hour earlier than I was scheduled, which was great since my husband spent the next 4 hours curled up on the hospital bathroom floor vomitting while I was in surgery.  Unbeknownst to me, my surgery was supposed to last 2 hours but due to severe hemoraghing it last 4 hours.  During that time, my poor husband had no clue what was going on and the surgeon couldn't tell him anything since she didn't know whether I was going to make it or not.  Combine this added stress and a stomach virus and you have one sick husband.
When he finally got to see me in recovery, I'm not sure who looked worse, him or I.  Once they had me stabilized and admitted to my room, he left to go get our son and daughter.  On the ride home, our daughter vomitted all over herself, her carseat and the inside of our car; which in turn caused my husband to vomit also.  The poor man was so beside himself with worry and sickness that it must have been so miserable and I was probably the best off in my drug-induced sleep.
Fortunately, everyone is recovering but now I have the stomach bog which is not fun after having abdomen surgery.  Let's just say if anything could go wrong, it did and even my surgeon said that I should NEVER undergo surgery again due to all of the tissue damage I have thanks to my long-term steroid use.