Friday, February 12, 2010

The guilt just gets worse

I guess you could describe me as a very proud person but because of the surgery and all of the complications that have since arisen from it, I have to really depend on other people to help me out.  I can't drive until Monday the 15th so my son is going to miss his Valentine's Day Party at school since I can't drive him in.  A great friend is picking up my daughter and bringing her to school today but there is no one in my son's class that I trust to drive him.  I've thought about just saying "screw it" and driving him but then I worry about something going wrong on the way there especially since I am still tired and sore from all of the blood loss.  I keep going back and forth about driving him, so I decided to get on here and write instead because this is when I would be driving him and this is keeping me busy.
I don't know how to even begin to thank everyone who has helped me out and I feel so guilty for depending on people.  I know that if I had a friend who needed my help I would be there in a heartbeat and not think anything of it at all, in fact I have done it, but when it comes to me; it is different.  My mom mentioned to me that I am trying to overcompensate because I feel guilty and I know that she is right but I just don't know how to stop it.
I picture all kids running around with their mommies at playgrounds and things like that and I just don't have it in me to do that.  I take them to all of these fun places but can't interact with them as much as I see other mommies doing with their children.   I just want my children to look back on their childhood and think "Wow, we had so much fun and our mom was a Mommy and not just a Mother"  I don't know if this even makes sense but it is what is going through my head right now. 

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