Wednesday, June 16, 2010

How do I deal with this one?

I'm still having some major problems with my heart and possibly kidneys (hoping it was a lab error) so have been seeing doctors basically on a daily basis which is getting tiring but also making miserable because I keep getting bad news.  I'm really at a point that I can't take care of my kids properly which really makes me mad.  I've had to depend on friends, my parents and our babysitter....which for me is really a lot of dependency and makes me feel like such an invalid but there isn't anything I can do about that right now.
Anyways, when I went to see my doctor on Monday she informed me that my Lupus is now considered severe and that my life expectancy is shorter than it should be.  I understand it is important to be upfront but to tell a 34 year old mother and wife it really took me by surprise.  Because of this, they have taken me off of all of the "high risk meds" since they aren't working and have just left me on super high doses of prednisone until I see the cardiologist and the kidney results come back next week.   I plan on fighting this and know that I will probably end up back on a high risk med but until then I'm stuck in limbo and the bad news better turn around to good news soon.
I feel guilty for all of my friends and family who have to deal with this.  My 81 year old grandmother is fighting cancer so I feel guilty that my mom has to worry about both of us.  My husband's best friend is still not doing well so I worry about the stress of all of this on him.  My kids are so young but old enough to know that something isn't right with mommy which makes it even harder.  I just don't know how to wrap my head/heart around all of this especially since I still feel so lousy.  I guess it will all work out in the end but being in limbo really sucks!!!!!  I'm really trying to convince my body to listen to my head and heal itself but so far it isn't working but positive thinking never killed anyone so it is worth a shot, right?

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