Sunday, December 13, 2009

Feeling down today

This is definitely a pity party post so I just want to give you all a head's up before you start to read this...

As I was filling up my weekly pill container to manage the 15-20 pills I take a day I started thinking that all of these meds can't be good for my body.  Which in turn got me to thinking about my mortality.  Lupus can be life-threatening, just as many other diseases can be, and it got me thinking about whether I would even get the chance to grow old.  I come from a long line of long living women, my great-grandmother was 82 and my grandmother is still going strong at 81, so I have that in my favor but there is only so much my body can take.

I am only 33 and I have a wonderful husband.  I also have a 4 & 5 year old and it breaks my heart that I may not be able to see them grow old.  I guess at this point I would just be ecstactic to see them both married with their own families.  What if I continue to go downhill and I don't even get to see them graduate highschool????  I want to be able to retire with my husband and live to be senior citizens together.  I know that anything could happen but the idea that all of these meds are probably destroying my organs along with the lupus really scared me today.

Fortunately, I saw some of my best friends today and they sat and listened to my concerns and helped me to get out of my funk but I really need to start living each day to the fullest; even more than I already do.  I hugged my kids a little tighter today and am going to go spend of the rest of the night cuddling with my husband.

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